The S-Men
by Beach Fradis
Summary: **EPISODE 2 UPLOADED** Chiriko exploits his director abilities, Miaka assaults the buffet table and we get a glimpse on all seven Seiryuu seishi's most hidden fantasies...
1. Casting Call

The S-Men   
Episode 1 - Casting Call   
**by Beach Fradis**

  
Nuriko: What the hell are we doing here? 

Chichiri: We're casting for a movie, no da. 

Miaka: Not any movie, though. We're going to be in the X-men movie!! 

Tomo: (covers his ears) Is that suppoused to be a good thing? 

Soi: Oh, shut up, Tomo. 

Hotohori: I'm not sure I want to be in this movie. Action sequences can really mess my hair. Besides, no character is a beautiful as me. 

(All sweatdrop) 

Taka: Listen, yo! I'm the casting director here, so you must absolutely obey my orders! 

Everyone: WHAT?! 

Suboshi: No @#&x way! 

Tasuki: Why da @#&x is obake-chan da director? 

Taka: (crosses his arms) The authoress of this fic chose me. Now, shut up, okay? 

Miboshi: (rolls eyes) She doesn't even like you. 

Taka: She still chose me. See? I'm STILL the casting director. 

Nakago: (glares icily) I absolutely refuse to follow your orders. 

(The sky darkens and an impressive lighting stikes Nakago directly) 

Soi and Tomo: NAKAGO-SAMA!!! ;_; 

Tomo: You @#&x b*tch! Why the hell was that for?! 

Soi: It wasn't me!! It was the authoress!! 

Authoress: (appears out of nowhere) That's right. Now, Nakkie-poo, either you behave, or you will face the consequences. Got it? 

Nakago: (Still fried) (Nods) 

Authoress: Sweet. Go ahead, Baka... um, Taka. (disappears) 

Taka: (Sweatdrops) Okaaaay... let's see... asign the first roles... (looks at papers) 

Miaka: Sugoi!! Will I be the heroine here, too? 

Taka: All in due time, babe. First... Miboshi will be Professor X. 

(Massive sweatdropping) 

Nuriko: No way! He's evil!! He can't be the leader of the good guys!! 

Taka: (eyes in tiny slits) Okay, you get to play Professor X. First you'll have to shave your head... 

Nuriko: EEEEP!!! No, thanks!!! 

Taka: (sighs) So Miboshi is Professor X... 

Miboshi: Am I going to be confined to a wheelchair?! 

Soi: (smirks) You can still float underneath the blanket, that'll give you additional height. 

Miboshi: (glares) Very funny. 

Suboshi: Look at it this way: You get to have the coolest powers!! (Shoves X-men comic to Miboshi's face) 

Amiboshi: Not to mention all the money and resources... 

(Taka drools at the thought of Professor X's considerable fortune) 

Tomo: And the absolute leadership of the winning team. 

Miboshi: (Reading comic) Control people by entering their minds... interesting... (evil grin) 

Taka: Next is... aha! Nakago will be Magneto, the main bad guy. I don't think you'll have any problem with the role. Magneto was a victim and survivor of genocide, and first manifested his powers when he was still a child and his mother was in danger... 

Keisuke: Whoa! That really sounds like you, Nakago! 

Nakago: ... 

Miaka: Onii-chan! What are you doing here? 

Tetsuya: (waves) Hi! We're also casting for a role. 

Keisuke: And keeping guys from making passes at Yu- (Tetsuya covers his mouth) 

Tetsuya: Hehe. 

Yui: (crosses her arms) I can take care of myself perfectly well, thank you very much! 

(Taka, Nakago, Miboshi and Tomo roll their eyes) 

Taka: Hmmm... Next are the good guys. Soi will be Storm. 

Soi: Cool! She's my favorite. Wait, that means I'll fight against Nakkie-poo?! 

Nakago: (rolls eyes) It's just acting. 

Soi: Alright, alright. Do I have to bleach my hair? 

Taka: No, we'll get you a wig from Nuriko's personal collection. 

Nuriko: What? Hell no! What if she gets it tangled or dirty? 

(Soi rolls her eyes) 

Amiboshi: Nuriko, calm down. Have you ever seen Soi with messy hair? 

Chichiri: She always looks tidy, no da. 

(Everyone nods in agreement) 

Nuriko: (pouting) Okay, fine. Just take good care of it. 

Soi: Don't worry, I will. 

Tasuki: Waitaminute... Obake-chan!! Da ya want those @#&x bastards to have all da roles?! 

Taka: Tasuki!! Don't call me that!! 

Chiriko: He's right, though. You haven't assigned a single role to any of the Suzaku seishi. In the sake of fairness I believe you should asign any of us the following role. 

Taka: Oh well, I'll do that. 

Tasuki: (crosses his arms) Whatever. 

Taka: You'll be Wolverine. 

(Everyone moans and/or protests) 

Suboshi: Not fair!! 

Nuriko: Che! Why him?! 

Taka: He's got the rotten attitude *and* the fangs. 

Tasuki: Hehe... I'll flame ya all!!!! 

Chiriko: Ano... you'll have to part from your tessen. 

Tasuki: What?! No @#&x way!!!! 

Nuriko: Oh yeah... Wolverine doesn't HAVE a tessen... 

Chichiri: He doesn't even fight with fire, no da. 

Hotohori: Hand it over, Tasuki. 

Tasuki: No!!!! (hugs tessen) Get away from ma tessen!!! 

Miaka: As your miko, I command you to give me your tessen! (grabs it) 

Tasuki: (sniffs) I'll miss ya, tessen! 

(Massive sweatdropping) 

Taka: Moving on... Tetsuya will be Cyclops. I think I don't have to explain this, do I? 

(Everyone looks at Tetsuya and sweatdrops) 

Tetsuya: (smirks) I've always liked him. 

Amiboshi: He does look like Cyclops' long lost twin. 

Suboshi: Kawaii! (glomps Amiboshi, who sweatdrops) 

Miaka: (nudges Yui) Does he ever take his shades off? 

Yui: (sighs) No. 

Tomo: Perhaps when he goes to sleep or in the shower? 

Yui: (rolls eyes) Not at all. 

Suboshi: WHAT?! Yui-sama, who'd YOU know?! (his character glows blue and the Ryuuseisui spins madly). 

Yui: (impassible) His mother told me. 

Tetsuya: She did?! 

Suboshi: Oh. (His character stops glowing and the Ryuuseisui falls limply to the floor) 

Nuriko: Hey Tetsuya, are you crossed-eyed? 

Tetsuya: Hey! 

Taka: (visibly amused) Now for the bad guys... 

Nuriko: Wait! You haven't asigned all the good guy roles!! 

Taka: (smiling evily) I'm saving the best for last... ehem. As I was saying, the bad guys... Yui will be Mystique. 

Yui: Do I ALWAYS have to be the villian? Neat. 

Taka: Stop whining. Thanks to *me*, you're getting a stellar role in the film. 

Yui: Yeah and thanks to *you*, I'll never stop being considered the biggest b*tch in shôjo anime! 

Nakago: Yui-sama, do not worry. Suzaku no miko is far more hated among FY fandom than you are. 

Miaka: What?! 

Chichiri: (surfing the net on his kasa-turned-laptop). He's right, no da. 

Tomo: Understandably so. 

Miaka: Hey! 

Taka: (miffed at all the Miaka bashing) You're Mystique, end of story! 

Tetsuya: Wait... If I'm Cyclops, isn't she suppoused to be Jean Gray? 

(Suboshi sends a death glare to Tetsuya while the Ryuuseisui spins viciously around him) 

Tetsuya: Then again, it might not be a good idea. 

Yui: Waitwaitwait... Isn't Mystique suppoused to be NAKED?! 

(Suboshi, Tetsuya and Keisuke drool shamelessly at the thought of a naked Yui) 

Yui: (rolls eyes) Perverts. 

Taka: Oh, no, don't worry! You'll be covered in blue latex paint! 

(Suboshi, Tetsuya and Keisuke drool shamelessly at the thought of a covered-in-blue-latex-but-otherwise-perfectly-naked Yui) 

Yui: (twitches) Perfect. 

Amiboshi: Wouldn't it be better if Miaka plays Mystique? After all, her hair looks a little more like Mystique's. 

Taka: No. Blue is Seiryuu's color. 

Soi: In that case, *I* get wear white, which is SO not my color. 

Tomo: And Nakago-sama has to wear *red*. 

Nakago: *shudders* 

Taka: NO! I refuse to let my girlfriend parade naked through a movie! 

Yui: (grins evilly) What is all the fuss about? She's going to be covered in blue latex paint, isn't she?! 

(Hotohori, Nuriko and Tasuki drool shamelessly at the thought of a covered-in-blue-latex-but-otherwise-perfectly-naked Miaka) 

Miaka: Huh? 

Nuriko: C'mon, Taka. Everyone's already seen Miaka naked. 

Suboshi: Yeah, and my eyes still hurt. 

Miaka: Hey! 

Yui: Hey! When did *you* see her naked?! 

Amiboshi: (smiling innocently) Are you jealous, Yui-sama? 

Yui: (blushes) I... (miffed) OF COURSE NOT! 

Amiboshi: Suuuure... 

(Suboshi blushes and smiles shyly [he's so goddamn cute when he does that!]) 

(Tetsuya scowls) 

Taka: (interrumping as to prevent the authoress from turning this story into a YuixSuboshi sap fic-) 

Tetsuya: Phew! 

Suboshi: @#&x! 

Taka: Serves you right, yo-yo boy! Where was I?... ah yes. Miaka WILL NOT be Mystique! 

Chiriko: Hummm... Why don't we set aside this dilemma and move on to other roles? 

Soi: (applying makeup) Good idea. 

Taka: Whatever. Hmmm... Ashitare will be Sabertooth. This role does not require much intelligence. 

Miboshi: And Ashitare's already used to Nakago's whippings anyway. 

(Ashitare growls) 

Tasuki: What?! @#&x! I dun wanna fight dat @#&x beast! 

Keisuke: Serves you right for grabbing a good role! 

Taka: Don't worry, man. I'll give you a good role. We're family, right? 

Keisuke: I'm counting on that. 

Nuriko: But what about Heika-sama? What about *me*? And Chichiri? And Chiriko? And Mitsukake? Wait, where the hell's Mitsukake?! 

(Chiriko points to Mitsukake, who's petting Tama-neko quietly in a dark corner of the studio) 

Taka: *ahem* Since you're so desperate for a role, Nuriko, you'll get next one. 

Nuriko: (crosses his arms) Just about time! 

Taka: You'll be Toad. 

Nuriko: O.O You're joking, right? 

Taka: (shakes head) Not at all. 

Nuriko: NO! You CAN'T do that to ME!!! I'm too pretty!! (sparkles surround Nuriko as his eyes shimmer) And delicate! And lovely! And adorable! And kawaii!! 

Tasuki: Ah, shaddup. 

(Nuriko smashes Tasuki to the nearest wall) 

Tasuki: (spitting teeth) Ow. 

Soi: Sorry to intrude, but I think Tomo's better suited for that role. 

Tomo: O.O What?! 

Amiboshi: I don't think Tomo has much in common with Toad. 

Suboshi: Except that they're both annoying as hell. 

Soi: And they're both EXTREMELY ugly. 

Tomo: Shut up, you low-life @#&x! 

Taka: Sorry. I can't let old grudges affect the cast choices. It wouldn't be fair. 

Keisuke: That means you're giving Suboshi a good role? 

Taka: (grins evilly) Oh, I'm giving him a PERFECT role. Wait and see. 

Chichiri: We still need a Toad, no da. 

Chiriko: Sure, but is someone in here who fits that role? Furthermore, is there anybody willing to *take* that role? 

(Silence) 

(Tumbleweeds pass by) 

Hotohori: Now that I think about it... Chichiri, you can turn into *anything*, right? 

Chichiri: Hai, Heika-sama. (panicking) What are you implying, no da? 

Nuriko: Oh, Chichiri! Won't you do it for your friends in need? 

Hotohori: Help us! 

Chiriko: Please Chichiri-san! Do it for us! 

Miaka: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Chichiri: (Sighs) Fine no da. But I'll only turn into Toad once the film starts rolling, no da. 

Everyone: Yay!! 

Soi: (slightly disappointed) I was really looking forward to fry Tomo... 

Nakago: You can do it when the filming ends. 

Soi: Waiii!!! Thank you Nakkie-poo!!! 

Tomo: (sniff) Why, Nakago-sama? Why are you so cruel? 

Taka: Good. Now that that's been settled, we'll go to the GOOD roles. 

Amiboshi: Well, there are two main roles still on the air, I believe. Rogue and Jean Grey. 

Taka: (nods) And you'll agree with me that we're a little short of women, right? 

(Everyone nods) 

Taka: So, I've made some arrangements to solve this problem as best as possible. As Soi is gone, and so is Yui... 

Yui: Wait! We STILL haven't decided who's playing Mystique! 

Miaka: Maybe I can play two roles! 

Taka: No, that'll confuse the audience. 

Nuriko: I can be one of the girls! 

Taka: (sweatdrops) Ey, um... maybe. ^^; Anyway, I've already made a decision. Suboshi will be Jean Gray. 

All: O.O WHAT??!!! 

Taka: I don't know why are you all so surprised. They both have nearly identical powers, after all. 

Suboshi: NO! No way!!! No @#&x way!!! 

Amiboshi: (sweatdrops) What about your anti-grudge policy? 

Taka: (shrugs) I changed my mind. 

Yui: (VERY amused) It's going to be fun to see Suboshi and Tetsu-chan kiss... 

Tetsuya: O.O! WHAT?! 

(Keisuke, Nuriko and Tasuki laugh their asses off) 

Suboshi: NO!!! @#&x!!! I won't go near that @#&x! 

Tetsuya: NO!! No way in hell!! 

Tasuki: (laughing) Serves ya right, ya @#&x yo-yo psycho! 

Keisuke: (trying to control his laughter) What are you laughing about, Tasuki? Wolverine FALLS for Jean Gray, doesn't he?! 

Tasuki: O.O WHAT?! 

(Everyone laughs harder, if such thing is possible) 

Nuriko: You'll look really cute as you declare your undying love to Suboshi!! 

Tasuki: @#&x!!! 

Suboshi: I won't play a woman!! I won't kiss no @#&x guy!!! NO WAY!!! 

Taka: You won't play a woman. Jean is a generic name. You can perfectly play a guy. Now, for you kissing Tetsuya... sorry, I can't do anything about that (smiles insincerely). 

Suboshi: NO!! I want justice done!!! Where's the authoress?! 

(Silence) 

(chirp... chirp...) 

Suboshi: (cries) NOOOO!!!!!! I thought you loved me!!!! 

Soi: Now, Suboshi, it might not be that bad. You might as well like it. 

Tomo: And if you do, be sure to inform me. Kakakakaka!!!!!! 

Suboshi: (panicking) NO!! NOO!!!!! Aniki, please help me!!!! 

Amiboshi: (trying not to laugh) Calm down, Shun. 

Tetsuya: (trying to calm down) Okay, Taka, explain me. I understand your need to humiliate Suboshi, but what have I ever done to you?! 

Taka: (shrugs) Sorry. I have to sacrifice you. Besides, if I recall correctly, we have a large yaoi fanbase. We have to please that important audience. 

Suboshi and Tetsuya: (crying in unison) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 

Nuriko: (filing his nails) Now, what's so terrible about kissing a man? 

Yui: It'll be useful as practice. Something you BOTH need. 

Tasuki: (looking frantically for his tessen) You're gonna @#&x PAY for this, @#&x Obake-chan!!!! 

(The tessen is hidden under Mitsukake, who's *still* in a dark corner petting Tama-neko and shaking his head) 

Amiboshi: (ponders) But if you want fanservice, wouldn't it be better to bring favorite fan couples together? 

Miboshi: (grins evilly) Half FY fanfiction is Chichiri/Tasuki slash! 

Suboshi: (brightens) That's RIGHT! Cast Chichiri! Have Tasuki fall all over him!! 

Chichiri: Eeeep! 

Tasuki: (Eyes widen) NO! No @#&x way!!! 

Taka: (shakes head) Sorry. Chichiri's already Toad. He can't play two characters. 

Suboshi: (growls) You're doing this on PURPOSE, you @#&x piece of @#&x!! 

(Taka whistles) 

Miaka: What about Onii-chan? Fans write steamy stories about Tetsuya-san and him... 

Keisuke: NO!! Dammit, Miaka, are you NUTS?! 

Chiriko: She's not. And neither are the fans. It's simply a matter of taste. 

Suboshi: SEE?! He'd be a MUCH better Jean Gray than me!!!!!!! 

Keisuke: WHAT??!!! I'M NOT!! 

Tetsuya: NO!!! No way I'm going to get touchy-feely with *him*!! 

Nuriko: (raises an eyebrow) Then you'd prefer to get to know Suboshi *ahem* better? 

Taka: (sighs) We're short on funds, and we can't spend in special effects. Suboshi's powers will come in handy (whispering to himself) Man, am I enjoying this... hehe... 

Tetsuya: What a miser... 

Suboshi: Hey!!! FANS demand it!!! Make it a Chichiri/Tasuki or a Keisuke/Tetsuya!!! 

Tasuki: NO!! @#&x!! @#&x!! 

Nakago: (annoyed) Shut up, Suboshi. You're not better off than those two. 

Suboshi: (confused) What do you mean? 

Tomo: (grinning EVILLY) Does the word *twincest* ring a bell? 

Amiboshi and Suboshi: (in unison) EEEEP!! 

Suboshi: (becoming desperate) AUTHORESS!! Please!! Onegai!!! Do something?? I beg you, oh beautiful, sweet authoress!!! 

Yui: (scowls) What?! 

Authoress: (appears) Why, thank you! Kawaii Shun-chan!! (pats Suboshi's head softly) 

Suboshi: I... (blushes furiously) 

Yui: (green) Grrrrr... 

Authoress: (grins) See? She loves you! She just needs to stop being so goddamn dense and stubborn... 

Yui: (scowls) What?! I'm not dense! And who ever said I wanted him?! 

Authoress: That means I can keep him??? 

Yui: OVER MY DEAD BODY!!! 

Authoress: See, Shun? 

Suboshi: *.* Oooooh, Yui-sama!!! I love you too!!!!! (hugs her) 

Yui: (blushing too harshly to respond) 

Tetsuya: (GREEN!) Are you going to HELP, or are you going to let this psycho grope MY girl?! 

Authoress: (Rolls eyes) First, I'm here to help Suboshi, not Tasuki and definitely not you. Second, she's not your girl. She's just dating you out of boredom. Third, I'm a YxS shipper. Shun-chan is my fave character, and I'm gonna give 'im whatever he wants, Yui included. 

Suboshi: *^-^* 

Yui: I'm NOT a piece of merchandise! 

Authoress: (rolls eyes) You should be grateful. Tons of fangirls would *kill* to date one of the cute Seiryuu twins. 

Taka: Which would go perfectly with psycho yo-yo boy's personality (dodges Ryuuseisui). 

Authoress: *Ahem* And fourth, the real reason I'm here is to remove Taka from his job. Sayonara, Tama-chan. (kicks Taka and sends him to orbit) 

Suboshi: ^O^ 

Tasuki: (grins) Bye bye, Obake-chan!!!!! (waves hankie) 

Miaka: TAKA!!!!! ToT 

Keisuke: (shoves doughnut in Miaka's mouth) Shuddup, will ya?! 

(Miaka munches on happily and forgets completely about Taka) 

Authoress: Okay, now my fave Suzaku will be in charge (hands Chiriko the script). 

Chiriko: (giggly) Sugoi!! 

Nuriko: O_o Chiriko is your fave? 

Authoress: (shrugs) He's kawaii. Good luck, Chiriko-chan (disappears). 

Chiriko: (waves hand) Arigato, authoress-san! 

Nakago: (glares) Perfect. A brat giving *me* orders. 

(Tetsuya is crying on Keisuke's shoulder) 

Keisuke: (pats him) There, there, man. Calm down. 

Soi: You know, that does NOTHING to stop the rumours about you two. 

Yui: (hugs Tetsuya) Hey, hey, it's okay. 

Tetsuya: (sniffing) Oh, Yui-chan, I just love you too much!! 

Suboshi: (rolls eyes) Yeah, whatever. 

Chiriko: (clears throat) Okay, now that we've wasted far too much time in role assignments and love affairs, I'll quicken the pace so that this fanfic will not turn unbearably long and boring to our dear readers. 

Miboshi: (crosses his arms) It already IS! 

Miaka: (blinks) Unbewhat? 

Chiriko: First, since Taka-san isn't present and I doubt anybody else will argue about this, the role of Mystique will be assigned to Miaka-san. 

Hotohori, Nuriko and Tasuki: (throwing confetti) YAY!!! 

(Nuriko and Tasuki do the bandit dance) 

Miaka: Cool!! Wait, who's Mystique? 

(Everybody facefaults) 

Yui: (smiling mischievously) Let's just say it's a really, really cool character... 

Nuriko: She shapeshiftes. 

Miaka: Shapewhat? 

Hotohori: (patiently) Changes form into anything or anyone she wants. 

Miaka: Oh, I get it, like Chichiri, right? 

Chichiri: (nodding) Hai, no da. 

Chiriko: Hmmm... Since I don't want Suboshi-san and Tetsuya-san killing each other, I won't assign Yui-san the role of Jean Grey. She however can play Rogue. 

Yui: (grins) Neat, the female lead. Chiriko, I'm beginning to see why the authoress likes you so much. 

Chiriko: (beams) Arigato, Hongou-san. 

Miaka: (pouts) I wanted to be the main character!! 

Nuriko: Miaka, don't be so selfish. 

Miaka: My hair is much more like Rogue's! 

Amiboshi: (sighs) And like Mystique's and Jean Grey's. 

Chiriko: It's not our fault screenplayers have such limited creativity as to include three redheaded women as main characters within a script. 

Miaka: (not quite understanding) Ah... Hai. 

Tetsuya: (visibly calmer) So who's going to play Jean Grey then? 

Chiriko: (sighs) Taka-san might have been unfair and subject to prejudices while making his casting choices; however, I agree with the notion that there is a large yaoi fanbase we must please. So Jean Grey will be acted by Nuriko-san, whose facial features resemble a female's almost to pefection, yet is a favorite subject among drooling shounen-ai fangirls. 

Nuriko: FINALLY! A role that's good enough for beautiful me! Ahou! (hand in cheek) 

Tetsuya and Tasuki: ... (falling on a dark void) 

Chichiri: (relieved) Tasuki and Nuriko are a favorite yaoi couple as well, no da. 

Suboshi: (jumping up and down) Yes!! YES!! I KNEW you loved me, authoress-sama!! 

Yui: (smacks Suboshi) Baka. 

Chiriko: Gomen ne, Tasuki-san, Tetsuya-san. If this is some sort of consolation for you both, you won't have to kiss Nuriko-san. (reads script) There are no kisses of any kind in the entirety of the script. 

Tomo: You're forgetting the second scene, when Rogue sucks her boyfriend dry. 

Yui: That'd be me. 

Suboshi: (narrows eyes) And WHO is going to be the boyfriend? 

Chiriko: (checks script) Ah, you're absolutely right. I must memorize the script to avoid making any further mistakes. Please, excuse me for a minute (flips pages quickly). 

Keisuke: (impatiently) What should we go in the meantime? 

Chiriko: I'm done. Now- 

Soi: What?! So quickly?! 

Hotohori: That does not surprise me. Chiriko's intelligence in famous in all Konan. 

Suboshi: (eyebrow twitching) WHO's going to be the boyfriend?! 

Chiriko: (ignoring Suboshi) Arigato, Heika-sama. But anyway, there are no kisses involving Tetsuya and Tasuki. 

(Tasuki and Tetsuya are twitching on the floor) 

Suboshi: (clenching fists) Who. is. going. to. be. the. BOYFRIEND?! 

Chiriko: Very well, that's all for today. I want to study the script better, analize it through every possible angle, and make further revision as for the casting choices already made and possible changes. Oh, and furthermore, as I will be the director of the film, I should look at the storyboards, filming equipment, and corroborate the choice of cameramen, editors... 

(All stare with their mouths open) 

Chiriko: ...make-up crew and special effects chosen by our producer, the authoress-san. There might be some scene shooting changes, further revision of location and scenography... Oh! I almost forgot! I should also be studying filmmaking precepts such as the mise en scène and... 

Nuriko: (covers Chiriko's mouth) We get it, kiddo. 

All: (nodding and sweatdropping) 

Miaka: Okay, guys... see you tomorrow! 

(All leave the studio, except for: Chiriko, who's *still* thinking of his director duties; Suboshi, whose seishi symbol is glowing blue; Tetsuya, who's *still* twitching on the floor; Tasuki, who's looking frantically for his tessen to fry the authoress since he can't bring himself to flame Chiriko... and Mitsukake, who's *still* petting Tama-neko and sitting on Tasuki's tessen.) 

[Fade out] 

Next Episode: 

Yui: The cast is set... but what about the poor souls who haven't been assigned a role? What possible changes will Chiriko make to the movie in order to make it more reasonable and intellectually challenging? Will Soi fry Tomo? Will Taka ever return from the Twilight Zone? Will this story turn into a Tetsuya/Nuriko/Tasuki yaoi lemon? Will the authoress smack Tasuki for thinking of frying her? Will Mitsukake *ever* stop petting Tama-neko? 

Miaka: All the answers and more in our next episode: "The Cocktail Party". Wait... COCKTAIL PARTY?! FREE FOOD!!! *DROOL* 

Yui: Hehe... (sweatdrops) See you next time... Ja ne! 

* * *

Funny? Not really... Silly? You bet! Anyway, I decided to share this... it will very possibly be subject to changes. 

Feedback will be appreciated, as well as ideas for the next chapter. 

Thanks for reading! 

Ja ne! 

* * *

Suboshi: (spitting fire) WHO THE @#&x'S GONNA BE THE BOYFRIEEEEND????!!!!!!! 


	2. The Cocktail Party

The S-Men   
Episode 2 - The Cocktail Party  
or Miaka's attack to the buffet table! 

  
**Warning**: OCC for the sake of comedy. Contains spoilers for the entire series, and some Rayearth references and spoilers. 

**Disclaimer**: Fushigi Yuugi, Rayearth, The X-Men, Flashdance and all songs and movies mentioned are not of my property. If they were, I wouldn't be at work now... -_-; 

* * *

Miaka: (chanting) Cock-tail Par-ty! Cock-tail Par-ty! Freeee Foood! Freeee Foood! 

Yui: (eyebrow twitching) She's been like that since yesterday... 

Miaka: (chanting) Cock-tail Par-ty! Cock-tail Par-ty! Freeee Foood! Freeee Foood! 

Nuriko: She still thinks with her stomach, doesn't she? 

Chiriko: Miaka-san, Yui-san, Nuriko-san! Good afternoon! (bows) 

Yui: Hi, Chiriko-chan. Are we the first to arrive? 

Chiriko: Errr... (points at Tomo and Soi, who are pulling Nakago's arms). 

Soi: HE'S MINE! 

Tomo: NO WAY! 

Soi: YES WAY! 

Tomo: NO WAY! 

Nakago: (vein throbbing in his forehead) Stop. It. Now. 

Yui: (crosses her arms) Some things never change. 

Nuriko: Oh, Mitsukake! You're already here! 

Mitsukake: (sitting on a corner) Hello. 

Soi and Tomo: (stop their struggle) IT TALKS! 

(Mitsukake rolls his eyes). 

Yui: Hello, Mitsukake. 

Miaka: Hi!! Anou... where's Tama-neko? 

Chiriko: (sighs) Ruining my first efforts of decoration. 

Tama-neko: (scratching its nails against a fake bed) Meow! 

(Suddenly a loud rumble is heard, resounding and shaking earth like thunder. A scared Tama-neko runs and climbs to Mitsukake's shoulder) 

Soi: (crosses arms) Now what did we do, authoress? 

Yui: (waves hand dissmissively) Oh, no, it's just Miaka's stomach. 

(Soi, Nakago and Tomo sweatdrop). 

Miaka: (stomach growls loudly again) Can we eat, Chiriko? 

Tomo: O_O; It *WAS* her stomach, after all... 

Chiriko: Sorry, Miaka-san, not yet. First I have to asign responsabilities to all remaining people. And now that I think about it, Tomo is idle, right? 

Soi: (smirks) As he usually is... 

Tomo: (scowls) AT LEAST I was *this* short from killing *all* the Suzaku seishi and that traitor Bakaboshi. 

Soi: But you didn't, did you? 

Tomo: That's not the point! 

Nuriko: (interested) Bakaboshi who? Suboshi, Amiboshi or Miboshi? 

Miaka: He's talking about Amiboshi, I think. 

Soi: But he didn't kill him. 

Yui: Tomo ended up instead with more holes than a Swiss cheese. 

Nakago: Lesson #1: Never mess with Amiboshi. Suboshi is not likely to take it lightly. (perks up) Hey! That rhymes! 

(All sweatdrop) 

Chiriko: As... I was saying, I'm assigning Tomo a job as an extra. 

Tomo: WHAT?! I'm a professional actor! The only one you've probably even *met*. 

Chiriko: That is absolutely right, Tomo, but... you see, Taka wasn't exagerating when we said we were short on funds. Most funding went to catering. 

Nakago and Tomo: To catering?! 

Chiriko: (nods) To cover our alimentary needs. 

Soi: We don't eat *that* much, do we? 

Yui: (sweatdrops) Just wait until you see Miaka in action... 

Miaka: (stomach growls again) Can't this wait? I'm really really hungry! I can't think on an empty stomach! 

Yui: Well, that explains why you don't think much at *all*. 

Nakago: (smirks) Mystery solved. 

Miaka: Yui-chan, what do you mean?! (pouts) 

Yui: (hugs Miaka) Aw, don't worry, I still love you. 

Miaka: (clings onto Yui) I love you too, Yui-chan!!! 

Nuriko: (raises an eyebrow) Is it me, or is this fanfic suddenly going yuri? 

Authoress: (voice off) Try yaoi. 

Tomo: (licks his lips) Good. 

Chiriko: Hi authoress-san!! 

Authoress: (voice off) Hi Chiriko-chan! Keep the good work! 

Chiriko: Thank you! (to everybody else) As I was explaining earlier, most funds went to catering, so I decided to take advatage on our celestial powers to produce this movie with the best quality possible. And as your powers are illusions, Tomo, those might come more than useful for special effect purposes. 

Yui: Besides, as an extra, you get to act many, many roles and not just one. Doesn't that sound appealing? 

Tomo: (pouting) No. I wanted to be the star. 

Nuriko: With the money we make of this turk- er, *film*, you can produce your own, right? 

Soi: (slaps forehead) Don't give him ideas! 

(Too late. Tomo's already contemplating the possibilities...) 

Tomo: Ok. I'll be... the extra. 

Chiriko: Yui-san, Nuriko-san, thanks. Now we have an extra. With his powers to optically reproduce himself, I don't think we'll need any more extras. 

Miaka: (stomach GROWLS loudly) Oi! I've GOT to eat!!! 

Chiriko: (sighs) All of the present have assigned roles, so I guess it will do no harm to formally iniciate the cocktail party. 

Voice: (dramatically) NOT WITHOUT ME! 

(Hotohori enters with 4 servants, fully robed as the emperor he is) 

Nuriko: *_* Heika-sama!!! 

Hotohori: Hello, Nuriko... Miaka, Chiriko, all. 

Soi: Aren't you a little overdressed? 

Hotohori: (looks at his clothes) But isn't this a formal event? 

Chiriko: Not really, heika-sama. It is a casual buffet. 

Yui: This movie has been anything *but* formal. 

Nuriko: It's just a bunch of friends. (eyeing Nakago) And enemies. 

(Hotohori looks at everybody else. Miaka is in a yellow sundress with red flowers and a yellow hat. Yui is also in a sundress, with short puffy sleeves, in lavander. Nakago is wearing a casual white suit with a baby-blue shirt. Tomo has his opera clothes and make-up. Soi is wearing a small spaghetti-strip cocktail dress in mauve. Chiriko is wearing a white short-sleeved shirt and green pants. Mitsukake is wearing a brown shirt and black kashmere pants. He's not wearing his headband, and actually looks quite good.) 

Yui: (raises an eyebrow) Nakago looks kinda disco... 

(Miaka laughs. Everybody else blinks in confusement.) 

Nuriko: At least ditch this. (grabs Hotohori's hat and sends it flying...) 

(...and it's caught by Ashitare in midair!) 

Yui: Um... Hi, Ashitare! 

(Ashitare aknowledges his miko by barking, and promply runs to Nakago, jumps at him making him fall backwards and licking his face) 

Nakago: (vein throbbing in his forehead) Get. Off. Me. Now. 

Tomo: (sighs) I should be the one doing *that*. 

(Meanwhile, Hotohori's hair falls down in slow-motion, as in a shampoo comercial. Hotohori tosses his hair in delight, only to be glomped by...) 

Nuriko: Heika-sama! Your hair smells gooood! 

Hotohori: (sighs) I, Saihitei, emperor of Konan, command you all to start the cocktail party! 

(Hotohori's servants rush to the doors to the party room and open them ceremoniously) 

Nuriko: Wow. (unglomps Hotohori) 

(An incredible sight appears before them... On the right of the room is the warm buffet, with all kinds of juicy, mouthwatering meats, poultry and seafood cooked to utter perfection... Pasta with all types of sauces, pizzas, calzones, crêpes... All types of side dishes: baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, french fries, homecooked beans, omelettes... At the left there's the cold buffet with a salad bar, a sushi bar, caviar and blinis, cold meats, bagels with smoked salmon and cream cheese, assorted cheeses and pâtés, etc. But most impressive of all was the dessert buffet table, at the very center of the room. A massive selection of cakes, pies, ice creams, mousses, soufleés, crêpes, puddings and other assorted delicacies in every shape, color and flavor possible that guaranteed to give them enough cavities to stack up dentist bills for a year, laid in all their sugary glory...) 

(Authoress scowls at her limp, microwave-reheated Kentucky Fried Chicken wing.) 

Miaka: (weeping of joy) WAIIII!!!!!!!! (launches herself to the closest table -the cold buffet- and proceeds to stuff her face) 

Tomo: By Seiryuu! 

Nakago: Disgusting! 

Yui: (smirks) You ain't seen nothing yet. 

Tomo: (sweatdrop) She makes *him* look graceful... (points at Ashitare, who's chomping on a lamb leg on the warm buffet) 

Nuriko: Heika-sama, look! *_* A carrot with the form of Suzaku! Kawaii! 

Hotohori: (shakes head) You're spending way too much time with Miaka... 

Suboshi: YUI-SAMA!!! 

(Yui barely has time to react when she already has Suboshi firmly attatched to her neck) 

Suboshi: Lovely, lovely Yui-sama... (cuddles against her) 

Yui: (choking) Su... subo... shi... ca... can't... ack... br... bre... a... the... 

Suboshi: (oblivious) What is it, Yui-sama? 

Amiboshi: (shakes head) You're cutting her air supply. 

Suboshi: Hmn? Oh! (deglomps) ImsorryYuisama!! (gets teary eyed) 

(Yui quickly breathes) 

Miaka: (mouth full) Arg uh ogei Ui-sha? 

Nuriko: What? 

Yui: (breathing a bit more steadily) *That* translates to "Are you okay, Yui-chan?". Yes, I'm fine... I think. 

Miaka: Ag gash! 

Amiboshi: Hello, Miaka-san, what did you just said? 

Yui: (sighs) She said, "Hi guys!" 

Amiboshi: (sweatdrops) Oh, hi again Miaka-san. And hello to you too, Yui-sama. Nuriko, Hotohori... 

Suboshi: Um... Hi, Soi, Tomo, the rest of you... 

Chiriko: Hello and welcome to the cocktail party, courtesy of our dear authoress-san! 

Soi: Well, why not make good use of it? (takes a champagne flute and sips gracefully). 

Yui: You're absolutely right (gets close to the hors d'uvre table and takes delicately a canapé of pâté de foie gras). 

Chiriko: (sweatdrops) I think the authoress-san wants to show off her dominion of French language... 

(All shrug and start eating. Slowly all the missing seishi arrive and, um, eat.) 

Chichiri: (eating a chocolate ice cream) How nice from the authoress, no da. We never get to have ice cream in Konan, no da. 

Hotohori: (scowls) Try living in Hokkan. You'll get plenty of ice there. 

Tasuki: (drinking sake) Somethin' @#&x good, at last! 

Keisuke: (mouth full) Thesh sherry piesh are fantashtic! 

Tetsuya: You should try the cherry pie! (licks clean his plate) 

Yui: (sighs) People seem to lose all dignity in a buffet. (forks her salad) 

Chiriko: (blinks) Apparently both Tasuki-san and Tetsuya-san have gotten over the cast choices. 

Soi: Men always think with their stomachs. 

Yui: At least when they're not thinking with their... *ehem* (clears throat) 

Chiriko: (blinks) With what? 

Amiboshi: Forget it, you'll know when you're older. 

Tomo: And make use of it. Kakakakaka! 

Soi: Tomo, you're disgusting, you know? 

(A weird, loud wail suddenly fills the entire buffet room) 

Nakago: (mouth full with butterscotch pudding) Now what?! 

(All look at Miaka, who's crying her eyes out). 

Tasuki: She ain't eating anymore? O_o 

Keisuke: Something is *seriously* wrong with her... 

Nuriko: Miaka! There's still plenty of food! See? (points at buffet) 

Amiboshi: Maybe someone should bring Taka back, ne? 

Hotohori: (shakes head) I don't think so. (point to an object in Miaka's hands) 

Tasuki: What's wrong with dat @#&x drumstick? 

Hotohori: (rolls eyes) Look at the other hand... 

Nuriko: (takes a closer look) A manga? Mahou Kishi Reiyasu[1]... number 3? 

Miaka: *sniff sniff* Poor Hikaru! She believed in the heart and good will of Cephiro... Ohhh... poor Princess Emeraude, forever torn from her love! Waaaah!!! 

Yui: (eyebrow twitches) My god... 

(The skies darken, lighting and thunder resound. An impressive dragon flies through the skies) 

Tasuki: What da...? 

Nakago: Yui-sama, did you summon Seiryuu? 

Yui: Not that I know of! 

(The dragon roars loudly and meanly) 

Hotohori: (raises an eyebrow) He definitely looks like Seiryuu... 

Nuriko: (sweatdrops) If we had known this was all it took... 

Miaka: Waii!!! That means I can summon Suzaku again??? ^o^ 

Yui: (smirks) Only if you're still a virgin. 

Miaka: (disappointed) Ooooohhhh.... 

Nakago: Maybe he has come to grant you three wishes... then you can give one of your wishes to me... 

Yui: In your dreams! Besides, I wasted my three first wishes horribly. I shall have entirely selfish wishes this time around! 

(All sweatdrop) 

Hotohori: If she's *didn't* have selfish wishes before, I shudder just imagining what she's thinking about now... 

(Yui is actually thinking of asking for a 44-room mansion in Maui with tennis court and an artificial lake, the ability to speak all existing languages fluently -including Sanskrit and ancient Greek-, and a harem of Heero Yuy's lookalikes fanning her and feeding her grapes.) 

Amiboshi: Erm, Yui-sama... your duty as Seiryuu no miko is to protect your country and its people, right? 

Miboshi: (rolls eyes skyward) Oh, and you're just the BEST person to talk about serving Seiryuu... Not. 

Soi: Anyway, Amiboshi has a point. At least Yui came back to her world and got herself a new life. We the seishi got screwed up. 

(Ashitare barks) 

Tomo: We deserve some kind of gratification for our services and our suffering... that is, except Amibaka. 

Amiboshi: (scowls) Is this some kind of "bash Amiboshi" moment? 

Tomo and Miboshi in unison: YES! 

Amiboshi: ... (turns to see why Suboshi hasn't defended him) 

Suboshi: (-quite predictably- is watching at Yui with hearts in his eyes...) Gorgeous... 

Yui: Okay, okay... ingrates... I will give one wish to one Seiryuu seishi... selected ramdomly. (curses mentally about giving up on the Heero lookalikes) 

(All Seiryuu seishi agree and plot their wishes...) 

(Nakago is envisioning himself as the master of the world. He's reclined in big throne made of solid gold. He's dressed in a blue silk suit with gold and platinum appliqués, covered with a gold lamé cloak, and is wearing several rings, necklaces and a BIG crown, all embedded in precious stones. To his right, there's a small red throne in which Soi is sitting, wearing a tight Renaissance burgundy velvet gown and a tiny garnet tiara. To his left, there's a small blue throne in which Yui is sitting, wearing a tight Renaissance navy gown, similar to Soi's but less revealing, and a tiny sapphire tiara. Both women are taking either hand of Nakago and uttering words of adoration. 

In front of him Miboshi, Ashitare, Tomo and the twins are bending over while chanting: "Nakago-sama! Nakago-sama!". From the ceiling hang seven cages, and in each cage there's a Suzaku seishi, dirty and naked, chained from the neck, hands and feet, shivering from the cold and desperately trying to scratch the fleas off their backs. From the very center hangs a -slightly- larger cage, in which Miaka is eating dogfood from a dirty metal dogplate in the most undignified way possible. Her -scarce- clothing is torn and dirty. From the window you can see a massive crowd chanting: "Nakago-sama! Nakago-sama!". Nakago is laughing madly and proclaiming à la James Cameron: "I'm the king of the world!") 

Nakago: I'm the king of the world... 

Chichiri: (freaked as his magic managed to give him a glimpse of Nakago's fantasy) Suzaku, please don't let him win, no da! 

Tomo: (dreamily) Nakago-sama... 

(Tomo imagines himself starring in "Flashdance"! Costarring -of course- Nakago... You see, Tomo is a big fan of the 80s -especially 80s music- when men did have an appreciation for big hair and makeup. Tomo is, by day, a construction worker, a horrible job that ruins hair and makes nails brittle. But at night, he becomes the mysterious "shadow dancer" at a local club, a seducer who mesmerizes men ^^;. However, his dream is to become a professional dancer, and with the help of an aging ballerina -Miboshi... *snickers*- and her true love's encouragement -Nakago, who else?- Tomo finds fame and glory -and wealth!- and his dream comes true... He becomes the world's most famous professional dancer, always with Nakago by his side... [Soi was right, telling Tomo to make his own movies was a BAD idea...] 

The image fades to what is actually Tomo's favorite movie: "Farewell my Concubine". In that movie, Nakago as opera actor Duan Xiaolou leaves poor fellow actor Cheng Dieyi -Tomo, of course- for a whiny prostitute called Juxian -guess who's playing that part, huh?-. But this time around Tomo decided to change the ending so that the entire world appreciates the beauty of Chinese opera, the communists experience death by the clam and Soi is forever trapped in an illusion of uncountable cackling SD Tomos. The image transfers to reality and Nakago and Tomo live happily ever after in a pagoda-style mansion with two cats and a dog- Ashitare. Who, as usual, is licking Nakago's face) 

Tomo: Oh, Nakago-sama, my love... 

Nakago: (twitches) He. is. so. dead. 

Soi: Why waste a good wish on a freak like him? 

(Soi envisions herself in a lovely red gown, hair styled in a 40s bun. Nakago, suave in a suit, takes her between his arms... dramatic music fills the air. "Soi... I've always loved you. Run away with me and make me the happiest man on the universe". Soi whispers lovingly, "Oh, Nakago", and melts in his arms. They slowly turn to see a board with four swings over a pool of water (like the ones you usually find at fairs). Said water is so cold it has actually chunks of ice floating around (courtesy of the Genbu seishi). In the swings are Miaka and Yui in their lousy brown school uniforms, and Tomo and Miboshi dressed in the most ridiculous clown outfits possible, complete with red noses, ugly wigs and huge shoes. 

First to shoot at the board is Nakago. Nakago sends his ball using a little chi to aim better, and it lands exactly in the red center. Miaka falls in the cold water screaming "AIEEE!!!", and Nakago laughs heartily. Soi follows, and her ball hits right in the center too! Yui screams as she falls, and Soi laughs as she yells: "That's what you get for trying to steal MY man!" It's Nakago's turn again, and his perfect aim makes Miboshi take the plunge. He tries stay afloat in the air, but he falls anyway. Last turn is Soi's, and she's savouring every single moment of it. After she shoots with fierceful force, Tomo falls on the water while screaming, "MY MAKE UP! MY MAKE UP!" and crying like a little girl. Soi sends a lighting bolt directly to the pool and the four bodies convulse as they're electrocuting.) 

Soi: (jumping) Wheee!!! I did it! I did it! 

Tasuki: Che... @#&x freaky women... 

Amiboshi: Tasuki! You're talking about a lady! 

(Amiboshi imagines all the Suzaku and Seiryuu seishi in a field of flowers, running and dancing -to "She's a Rainbow"-. All are dressed like hippies -yes, all, including Nakago, Miboshi, Tomo and Ashitare-. Yui and Miaka are dressed in long, flowing white dresses, each wearing a crown of flowers -blue and red, respectively- in their head. Suddenly, everyone take each other's hands and form a "circle of friendship", while Yui and Miaka remain the center taking their hands and dancing in circles. Everyone starts singing tunes like "Imagine", "Give Peace a Change" and "We are the World". 

Around the circle, people of all races, ages and sexual orientations, dressed in different bright colors, smile and laugh and sing along. Kaika's Sairou parents are looking on with proud tears in their eyes. Children are running, playing, flying rainbow kites. A crowd of African women and men, dressed in bright orange and red, sing _The Lion King_ theme. There's a long shot of the field, the camera pans and focuses on people's everyday lives. Young gentlemen help old ladies cross the street. Men say 'howdy' to their neighbors while they mown the lawn. Children are playing in playgrounds [duh!]. Women carry lemonade in trays for everyone to drink. Happy couples stroll their babies in the park. You can appreciate the entire world living in perfect peace and harmony.) 

Miboshi: (reads Amiboshi's mind and gags) I'd kill myself if that came to be. 

Soi: (smirks) I wish. 

Keisuke: What can a ridiculous midget like him can fantasize about anyway? 

(Miboshi's fantasy: The sound of "Ride of the Valkiries" by Wagner fill the air. Havoc and mayhem reign. Monsters and demons and zombies roam freely throughout the worlds -both of them-. Yui, dressed as a dominatrix, sits on her throne, drinking blood from a silver cup. Miboshi -in a bishounen body- sits by her side on an throne made of human skulls and cracks his knuckles. Tomo, Suboshi and Ashitare run around causing chaos and basically having the time of their lives. Soi fades from existance. In Amiboshi's neck hangs a HUGE sign that has the word "TRAITOR" written in red. People throw rocks at him as he pathetically tries to shield himself with the sign. 

Miaka is cursed by losing her fantastic metabolism and thus blows up like a whale. The Suzaku seishi are subject to diverse forms of torture: Chichiri is stuck watching Horror B-movies from the 70s on a giant TV -and no, he can't close his eyes-. Chiriko must attend -gasp!- kindergarten school and his gifted brain begins to rot. Mitsukake is forced to eternally dance "La Macarena". As for Taka, Tasuki, Nuriko and Hotohori, they are subject to the worst kind of torture ever conceived by the human -or, in Miboshi's case, inhuman- mind: Severely-obese Miaka and Nakago singing in unison -if you can call *that* singing- off-key and with an atrocious accent "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton (complete with the ear-splitting high-pitch scream) in a cheesy karaoke bar. The poor seishi cover their ears fruitlessly and scream in unbearable agony...) 

Miboshi: (evil glint in the eye) Yeeeesssssssssss..... 

Chiriko: (sighs) I don't even want to start imagining what Miboshi is thinking about... 

Miaka: Chiriko... what's the problem with him? (points at a drooling, starry-eyed Suboshi) 

(Suboshi is imagining wedding bells chiming. Yui wears a breathtaking white strapless dress with a sparkling bustier, hair up with a diamond tiara, eyes glistening like stars, looking like a goddess. By her side, Miaka stands in a really ugly, frilly coral bridesmaid dress, her trademark buns adorned with bright red fake feathers [as if she had a duster in her head]. Soi stands in a pretty, revealing chiffon bridesmaid dress in strawberry red, hair in its usual twist. Meanwhile, Suboshi is wearing a gray stroller suit, eyes shimmering with happiness. Amiboshi is by his side, as the best man, dressed almost identically to the groom. Shiawase bubbles float around the happy couple as they hold hands. 

Tomo, in a black velvet suit, is crying on a hankie, his makeup smudged. Miboshi is wearing a huge blue gown while officiating: "By the power vested in me by Seiryuu..." and is not very happy about it. Nakago is chained to the door next to Ashitare to prevent him from ruining the wedding. The couple -passionately- kisses... Yui and Suboshi run hand in hand while the guests toss rice -and step repeatedly over Taka, who's trying to gather the rice on the floor-. The first dance is to the tune of "From this moment on" by Shania Twain, played on the flute by Amiboshi. Yui playfully shows Suboshi the blue garter which adorns her perfect legs... she tosses the bouquet, which Soi wins to the protests of Nuriko and Tomo [catfight!], and Nakago's subsequent massive sweatdropping. Then, the wedding night... Yui shows up in an extremely tight lacy white corset, her breasts peeking out...) 

Suboshi: Ooooohhh... Yui-sama... uuuhhh... *nosebleed* (passes out) 

Yui: (twitches) I WISH he doesn't win. Seiryuu knows what he's thinking... 

Hotohori: At any rate, it'd be better than if *that* wins... (points at Ashitare) 

(Ashitare's dream: Vangelis' "Chariots of Fire" fill the air. In a beautiful grass field, Ashitare runs freely -in all fours-. Soi and Yui run right behind him, along with the rest of the Seiryuu seishi. The Suzakus are noticiably absent... They come to a stop and rest in the shadow of a huge oak tree. Suboshi scratches behind his ears, while Soi cuts his nails and Yui brushes his mane. Amiboshi plays a beautiful tune while Tomo dances. Miboshi feeds him chewy dog biscuits. Nakago smiles at him and playfully shows him a bright red ball, which he throws for Ashitare to fetch. Ashitare happily does. They continue to play until the sun sets. 

The happy Seiryuu family returns home. Yui and Soi, with some help from the twins, cook a fantastic dinner of comfort food [fried chicken, mashed potatoes, roast beef, corn cobs, etc.], All sit at the dinner table, following the enticing aroma, and Ashitare is welcome to sit at the table too! Everyone tells jokes, laughs, have a great time. After dinner, when everyone is full, they all watch TV together [_Jeopardy!_], all comfortably snuggled in a huge blanket. When its time for bed, they all go to the same room, they kiss and hug each other goodnight, and Ashitare happily sleeps with Mr. Cuddles, his beloved lost plushie (a puppy) and the *only* memory of his childhood, covered with a soft blanket.) 

(The authoress is truly touched by Ashitare's fantasy. *sob* It came out a lot more serious than intended...) 

Ashitare: (barks happily and wags his... er... butt -_-) 

Chiriko: Err... authoress-san? 

Authoress: (voice off) Yes, little one? 

Chiriko: Have you noticed that in almost the entirety of this fic there has been no mention whatsoever of the movie? 

Authoress: (voice off) Yes. Sorry. I'm kinda suffering from author's block. Please, spare me... 

Chiriko: (sweatdrops) Okay, authoress-san. 

(A bright flare of light lands straight before Yui. A tall, long haired man fully clad in an armor materializes) 

Yui: Okay, guys, this is it. 

Seiryuu: Did you call me, miko? 

Yui: Not really, but now that you're here... 

Seiryuu: There better be a good reason I was summoned. I was bump... err... nevermind. 

(Massive sweatdropping) 

Seiryuu: *ehem* Will you let me consume you this time? 

Yui: (frowns) Can't you think of anything else? 

Miaka: No! I won't let you take Yui-chan!! 

Seiryuu: (walks toward Miaka, eyes narrowed) You think *you* can stop me? 

(Seiryuu unceremoniously grabs manga from Miaka's hands and starts reading) 

Miaka: Hey! 

Seiryuu: (smiles goofily) Yes! Selece! Finally, I've found you! (a blue flash of light emerges from the manga and Seiryuu disappears) 

(All sweatdrop) 

Yui: (mutters) So, it even happens to gods... 

Chichiri: Actually, he entered the manga willingly, no da. 

Tomo: Does that mean we have to kiss our wishes goodbye? 

Suboshi: NOO!!! My wedding night with Yui-sama!!! ToT 

Tetsuya: (grins) Serves you right! (sticks his tongue out) 

Yui: (sighs) *That's* what I'm stuck with. A perverted baka and an immature baka. 

Chiriko: Let's take this opportunity to fill vacant job positions. That's the reason we've gathered, after all. 

Tasuki: Ain't we here to have some @#&x booze an' grab a snack? 

Chiriko: I'm afraid not, Tasuki-san. Okay... We have Keisuke-san, Heika-sama, Amiboshi-san and Suboshi-san with no assigned work. And it looks like Taka-san is not coming back any time soon. (looks at his papers) 

Chichiri: What about Mitsukake, no da? 

Chiriko: He's already in charge of props. Mmmm... As we're short in funds, Suboshi will be our special effects man along with Tomo. 

Suboshi: No way! I refuse to work with that clown freak! 

Tomo: (smirks) So you'd rather be Jean Grey? 

(Suboshi crosses his arms and sulks) 

Chiriko: You'll also be in charge of the camera. Your powers will be useful to film in certain difficult angles. 

Suboshi: (perking up at the thought of showing off his talents in front of Yui) Okay! 

Chiriko: Heika-sama, you've been chosen by the authoress-san to be her personal production assistant. 

Hotohori: Good. It is appropriate for someone as important as me. 

Authoress: (voice off) Just remember who's in charge, Narcissus! 

Hotohori: (crosses arms) How could I forget? 

Chiriko: And Keisuke, you'll be my assistant and second in command. 

Keisuke: That sounds important! 

Chiriko: (nods) It comes with a lot of responsability, though. For all actors, I have copies of the script. Be sure to memorize your lines. 

(Chiriko hands copies of the script to Tetsuya, Yui, Miaka, Soi, Nuriko, Tasuki, Chichiri, and gives Yui the rest of the copies for Nakago, Ashitare and Miboshi, since he's too scared to approach them himself) 

Chichiri: (shakes head) I don't think Ashitare knows how to read, no da. 

Nakago: You'd be surprised (points at Ashitare, who's reading the script interested) 

(All sweatdrop) 

Tetsuya: Well, I guess you never know... 

(A loud roar and thunder is heard, shaking up the buffet room) 

Tasuki: @#&x! It's @#&xing Miaka's stomach AGAIN! 

Suboshi: Uuuugh! (shivers) 

Miaka: (mouth full of candy corn) Ib ishn bee! 

Nuriko: What did you say? 

Yui: She says it isn't her, but such a loud sound can only be her belly or the authoress. 

Authoress: (voice off) Nope. Try again. 

Amiboshi: (impressed) Yui-sama, you really *do* have a talent for translation! 

Yui: (vainly) I know. Thanks. 

Keisuke: What the hell's *that*? (points at sky) 

Tetsuya: (mockingly) Is it a bird? Is it a plane? 

Keisuke: It looks like a mecha... 

Chiriko: More precisely, like three mechatronical machines. 

(The three giant mechas land on ground. All the present sweatdrop) 

Soi: This is just plain ridiculous. 

(From among the mechas, Seiryuu appears and walks towards Yui) 

Seiryuu: Miko, I'd like to introduce you to Selece, my cousin. (points at giant blue mecha. Mecha nods) 

Yui: (sweatdrops) Ahh... glad to meet you, Selece-san. I'm Yui Hongou. (bows) 

Selece: Glad to meet you, gorgeous! (bows) 

Suboshi and Tetsuya: Hey! 

Miboshi: O_o; Seiryuu's cousin? 

Tomo: I never thought my god was related to something like *that*. 

Nakago: Yet another reason to worship Tenkou. 

Seiryuu: (telephatically whacks Nakago) Baka. 

Nakago: Ow! 

Selece: Can I call you Yui? 

Yui: Sure, why not? 

Selece: Yui, these are my brothers Rayearth and Windam. 

Rayearth: Hello. 

Windam: Good afternoon. 

Miaka: (mouth full of pinwheel cookies) Shomeone's gomin'! 

(Three girls appear. The first one is wearing a green school uniform and has short blond hair; she wears glasses. The second one has an incredibly long and shiny mane of blue hair; she's wearing a black and blue uniform and a black headband. The third one is a short redhead that is wearing a red school uniform and a braid; she looks rather clueless.) 

Fuu: Good afternoon to everybody (bows). 

Nuriko: (sweatdrops) She acts like Chiriko. 

Umi: CUTE MEN!!!! *_* 

Hikaru: Waiii!!!! ^o^ Kawaii!!! (launches towards... Ashitare! O_o;;) 

(All drop their jaws) 

Fuu: (sweatdrops) Please excuse my friends' inappropriate behaviour. I'm Hououji Fuu, glad to meet you (bows again). This is my friend Ryuuzaki Umi-san (points at a drooling Umi), and this is Shidou Hikaru-san (points to a Hikaru glomped to Ashitare). 

Chiriko: Good afternoon, Hououji-san, Ryuuzaki-san, Shidou-san. (bows) I'd introduce you to all, but the authoress has forbidden me from doing so with the argument that it'd waste far much precious fanfic space. Therefore I've decided to hand you the script so that you get acquainted to everybody here (hands her the script). 

Fuu: Thank you. (reads script) Good, I think I'm getting acquainted with all these nice people. 

Umi: (looks at Ashitare, Miboshi and Tomo and raises an eyebrow) Nice? 

Chiriko: (noticing the book in Fuu's hands) Excuse me, what is that you're reading? 

Fuu: (smiles kindly) I'm reading about fatal neurodegenerative disease derived from mutations in the embryonic development relative to Huntington's disease, as tested in mice. 

(All except Yui and Miboshi sweatdrop) 

Chiriko: Wow! Can I take a look, Hououji-san? 

Fuu: Sure, Chiriko-san, go ahead. 

Chiriko: (flipping pages) Interesting... 

Yui: (peeks at book) Fully illustrated. Gross. 

Miboshi: (peeking at book and interested) Can it be voluntarily caused? (evil smirk) 

Fuu: Haven't I seen you somewhere, Hongou-san? 

Yui: At Tokyo's district library. We were looking for books on World War II. 

Fuu: Oh, yes, I remember! And then we had a most interesting conversation about the differences and social and economic implications of nuclear fision and fusion. 

Yui: Exactly. 

Umi: (slapping her forehead) Can you PLEASE stop talking like a freakin' encyclopedia? It's giving me a headache! 

Yui: (glares at Umi) We shall tal- (notices the blue dragon medallion Umi's wearing) Hey, this is beautiful! Where did you get it? 

Umi: (brightens up) Thanks! My dad actually bought it for me, but I can get you one! 

Yui: I'd love that. Can you give me your phone number? 

Umi: Sure! Then we can talk for a while. I love my friends, but sometimes I need to get some steam off my system. Hikaru's far too innocent and Fuu's far too polite... 

Yui: I KNOW what you mean! I love Miaka, but she can be SO braindead! I remember when we got both got called by Suzaku by accident- 

Seiryuu: (interrumpting) Suzaku chose a baka as his miko because he's a baka himself. It just figures. 

Miaka: Hey! 

Hotohori: Respect our god! 

Seiryuu: (rolls eyes) Humans. 

Nuriko: (sighs) But really, I'd think gods didn't make mistakes... 

Chichiri: Maybe he just got distracted, no da. 

Selece: Or maybe he got carried away by my cousin's miko's delectable body... *drool* 

Yui: O_o;;; 

Suboshi and Tetsuya: Hey! 

Amiboshi: Well... Yui-sama *does* have a beautiful body. *blush* 

Seiryuu: (smirks) I do have good taste, don't I? 

Selece: (drooling) Definitely. 

Yui: (mumbles) Now I know why he tore up my clothes... 

Soi: (raising an eyebrow) Who would have thought that a mecha-god would be such a perv? 

Umi: (rolls eyes) What can I say? 

Fuu: The correct term is actually "mashin", Haku-san. 

Soi: O_o; Are our real names on the script? 

Hikaru: (hugging and caressing Ashitare) Cute doggie! Cute! 

(Ashitare barks of happiness and licks Hikaru's face as she giggles. Everybody else gags) 

Umi: Ugh... 

Fuu: Just be sure to wash all the saliva off your face when we return, Hikaru-san! (smiles sweetly) 

(All sweatdrop) 

Chiriko: Good advice, Hououji-san! (smiles) This will be all for today. Don't forget to come to your first call and to practice your lines! 

(All flee from the cocktail except for Chiriko and Fuu who are discussing embryonic mutation, Hikaru and Mitsukake, each petting their respective... um, pets; Yui and Umi, who are b*tching like old friends about their respective experiences in other worlds; Miaka, who's stuffing her face like there's no tomorrow; Amiboshi, who's pulling Suboshi out... and Seiryuu and Selece, who are talking about ol' times and embracing like compadres.) 

  
**Next Episode:**

Miaka: Waii!! The cameras start rolling! I can't wait to start acting!!  
Yui: Miaka, you're not in the first scenes.  
Miaka: *sniff* Why not, Yui-chan???  
Yui: Don't fret. Chiriko promised to let you have access to the studio's buffet in the meanwhile.  
Miaka: *drooldrool* Sugoi!!!  
Yui: In the next episode, I'll be able to show my acting skills!  
Miaka: We will have more anime cameos!  
Yui: And Tasuki's sucky acting will almost ruin the movie...  
Tasuki: Oi! >.; LEKKA SHINEN!!  
Suboshi: (jumps in the way) Yui-sama, I'll save you!! ACK!! (gets fried)  
Yui: Oh! Suboshi!  
Miaka: Don't miss our next episode: "Lights, Camera... Havoc!" Ja ne! 

Check out: X-Men The Movie. Suboshi: Wait! I just remembered... WHO'S GOING TO BE THE BOYFRIEND????? 

  
[1] Magic Knight Rayearth, in romanji. 

* * *

  
**Now, to my dear readers:** Out of the 7 Seiryuu seishi, who do you think should win the wish? YOU get to choose! Bwahaha!! 

**And for the fans of Tomo:** Please watch "Farewell my concubine". It's one of the best movies *ever*. In a great act of injustice, the 1993 Oscar for best foreign film went to that piece of crap called "Belle Epoque" (probably because Penelope Cruz showed her tits in it... blech). Anyway, it won the New York Film Critics Circle award, The Golden Globe and the Cannes Film Festival. I might be putting my life on the line saying this, but it comes to show how the Academy Awards are so politically and economically corrupt... *ehem*. "Farewell my concubine" resembles Tomo's life in an uncanny way. 

**And now, to my most recent reviewers:**

**Arcanine:** A new review! ^o^ As for who's playing the boyfriend, you'll find out next chapter. Will it be Suboshi? No fat chance... hehe... 

**Kryssa:** I'm an X-men fan too! The movie did the characters much more justice than I expected, and it didn't hurt that my faves are Wolverine and Rogue. As for Hugh Jackman... *drool*. Don't worry about Chichiri though, Tomo will do Toad's stunts... and OF COURSE I'm sticking to my original story! It's my baby!!!! 

**Huffpuff:** Wow! I'm a fan of yours! Really! You've got me checking every day for new "Deception" chapters... the reason this fanfic was born was because I noticed that Tetsuya looks almost exactly like Cyclops, and Magneto's story is extremely similar to Nakago's... 

**Alcathradiel:** Thanks! I hope you've like this chapter too ^_^ 

**Miaka:** Taka will be back next chapter. Someone WILL bring him back... 


	3. tiny note

The S-Men   
Note from author 

  
For some reason I have to add a chapter so it appears that I have updated. Sorry for this short little note. I'm already working on episode 3... 


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